So it's been a while since my last post so much is changed in the last three years I have gotten married I have two beautiful kids Hannah Grace who is two and Griffin James who is seven months old. There have been many ups and downs but a lot of time moments. I have a really great life and recently since having Griffin my life has been what I can only explain as a whirlwind. I have always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks but it seems this since having him they have increased dramatically. This is been a journey of it's self because if you know me I like to find the root cause of everything or at least have a clear answer as to why certain things are happening. But as anyone with anxiety knows there's never a clear-cut answer as to why or how anxiety hits or why or how anxiety causes your body to respond. My anxiety seems to take home in my chest and I can feel it coming on and my chest starts to tighten it hurts which automatically leads me to think that I'm having a heart attack or having some kind a heart issue. This experience or feeling is like telling your 2 year old not to grab a toy and all they want to do is grab a toy because their brain is telling them to go and grab that toy. When my anxiety hits my brain is telling me you're having a heart attack go to the hospital go to the hospital. So with many visits to the hospital and to heart doctors and to my primary healthcare doctors is been determined that no Alicia you do not have a heart issue you have anxiety issue. I've done a lot of googling on the Internet and found what is called postpartum anxiety I've never heard of that before until about a month ago I mean I've heard of postpartum depression and I don't feel depressed at all because I love my life I want to get out I want enjoy it. But I have Constant worry in the back of my head that's something bad is going to happen and that's when the anxiety comes into play. I really don't know the purpose of this blog maybe it's to help other people maybe it's just to help me feel more at ease and is a therapeutic tool to help me get over or get through my anxiety.
I was looking through the Internet today and came across a verse in the Bible it says in James 1:2-3.
"Consider it great joy my brothers and sisters when experiencing varies trials, because you know that the testing for your faith produces endurance.
This verse hit me over the head it was like God telling me Alicia all the anxiety all the worry all the trips to the doctor are just testing your faith in me. I'm not saying that God gave me this anxiety to test me or try me but maybe he did but I don't feel like God is that type of God but I do think that he allows us to go through certain trials in life that bring us closer to him and that's one thing that I can say that is happened over the past seven months that I have grown closer to him and am learning to fully trust him and know that truth be told there is nothing in this world that I can control that whether it's my time to die or my time to experience joy it's going to happen , there is only one thing I can control is how I respond and how I react to it.
A lot has happened in the last month that has caused my anxiety to increase one of them being...
A friend of mine from church and high school and growing up with recently passed away he was given 18 months to live with treatment but he only lives 27 days that really hit home home with me and showed me just how short and precious life can be. That I don't need to spend or waste my time worrying about if these chest pains are related to my heart or anxiety or what if something bad happens because I can't control the what ifs I need to embrace life and enjoy the good and the bad and know that no matter what happens good or bad that God has my back and that God will get The joy out of it and the glory.
There will be more to come in the following weeks but the take away from this blog for me is... you aren't in control life will happen with or without you but it's better if you are present and enjoying it
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